How To Not Be That Creepy Girl

So You’ve met a guy who doesn’t live in his parents basement and knows the difference between their, there, and they’re.

Before you start planning your wedding on Pinterest, you have to do the rounds. Don’t get ahead of yourself here. It is not socially acceptable to show up to his office with a homemade cucumber sandwich before he’s even told you where he works (which, by the way, you can find out from looking at his LinkedIn).

And don’t go and do something weird, like hire a private investigator. Because with the internet, you don’t even need one.

I mean, it’s not weird if you do it from behind a computer screen, right?  

1. You’re going to want to start with Facebook. If he’s already added you, start with the oldest pictures first. You should probably know how emo he was in high school.
2. Look at his favorite books, movies, and television shows. You’ll want to store those for later.
3. Make sure you watch his favorite movies and television shows and read his favorite book. You can then sprinkle the conversation with all the things you have in common.
4. Take note of anybody who frequently comments on his Facebook status updates.
5. If you can’t find him on Instagram or Twitter, look up his friends on Instagram or Twitter pages. You can then back track and find his page.
6. Find out where he went to school. Google his name and the college he attended.
7. Find out what semesters he made Dean’s list (you have to know if he’s a committed worker).
8. Find out what clubs he joined.
9. Find out what clubs he partied at.
10. Find out the building he lived in and his former roommate’s name.
11. Contact the roommate to see if he snores (you can’t be dating a snorer).
12. Don’t follow through with number 9.
13. Check out the acceptance rates of his undergrad and, if he pursued higher education, his graduate school too.
14. Find out if he was ever in a band. Take this quiz to find out what instrument you are. Take it as many times as necessary to ensure you are whatever instrument he played.
15. Casually insert this tidbit into the conversation on your first date.
16. Find his LinkedIn.
17. Thoroughly sort through his job history.
18. Find the name of his current office.
19. Find the location of his current office.
20. Show up to the office bearing homemade brownie treasures (I swear, it’s less weird than showing up with cucumber sandwiches).
21. Check out his Spotify.
22. When was the last time he listened to Wonderwall?
23. Seriously judge his Taylor Swift addiction.
24. Even more seriously judge his Jane’s Addiction addiction.
25. Accidentally follow him on Spotify.
26. Immediately unfollow him.
27. Leave him scratching his head in perplexity when he comes across this.
28. Google the population of his hometown. Small town and he got out? Good.
29. Analyze your agenda to plan out an acceptable timeline to text him after the first date, when to have the second date, and when to bring him home to meet your parents.
30. You’re also going to want to plan out an acceptable week to take off work (for the honeymoon, of course).

Whatever you do, make sure you have little personality of your own. Don’t you dare focus on your own interests or pursuits in life. Why would a man want a girl like that?

[Featured Image Credit: Business Insider]