Good morning class, how are you doing today?
I hope you all remembered your cell phones. I don’t want to see any pencils in my class. This class consists strictly of texting. I will be using Facebook messenger to send out homework assignments and Instagram to inform you about tests.
For this class, you are expected to keep a blog in place of homework. I need to see you posting a selfie at least once a week and your test answers are expected to be 140 characters or less. If you complete all the tasks assigned, do your reading, and move back home with your parents by the time of the final, you should have no issues being rewarded the “A” you are entitled to. After all, if you’re paying $50, 000 a year for this prime education, you should be handed out A’s.
Shall we begin with lesson one?
Step 1: Use nouns as verbs:
The first step toward being a well-adjusted, dysfunctional Millennial is using nouns as verbs. The most popular iteration of this is used in conjunction with Netflix:
I Netflix We Netflix
You Netflix You Netflix
He/she/it Netflix They Netflix
You will commonly hear this jargon on the quad, at the bar, in the dorm rooms, and during every other encounter you have in your daily life.
While the infinitive “to Netflix” is the most popular iteration, you will also hear your fellow Millennials use other forms. Popular examples include:
- I love to pizza on Friday nights.
- Would you like to coffee with me later?
- I can’t go out tonight. I have to homework.
However, don’t be thrown. This comment isn’t strictly reserved for improper situations. It can be used in the professional setting too. For example, “can somebody give me a ride to the mall? I must journalism.”
Here, we see a Millennial carrying out the tone on popular social media site Instagram. Notice how she uses an adjective and noun combo as a verb here:
(instagram picture)
Step 2: Say everything is “bae,” except your actual Bae:
the key to being a Millennial and absorbing their slang is being able to understand irony. You see, no Millennial will actually use the word “bae” to describe their boyfriend, girlfriend, or polyamorous relationship.
Instead, you have to describe the following as bae:
- Friday night
- Chipotle (also known as Chipot-bae)
- You co-worker who brings you “Chipot-bae”
- Tequila shots
- Your bed
- Netflix
- Stephen Hawking
- Ryan Gosling
- Your hot professor
- The Allstate guy (especially when he saves you money on your car insurance)
Whatever you do, do not refer to you actual significant other as your “Bae”
The only exception is if you do it ironically as in, “I’m ironically calling you Bae because I accept that our relationship extends normal dating social conventions, but I’ll sarcastically describe you with slang that clearly does not apply to our relationship. Nobody will understand it except for our fellow ironic Millennial assholes.”
Are you confused? Good, you’re getting it.
We’ll end the lesson here for today. By next class, I don’t want to see your homework. Instead, you’ll come to class with an excuse about how how Word, Outlook, Drop Box, Google Docs, Blackboard, Hangouts, TurnItIn, and Pages doesn’t seem to be accurately working.I will assume the proper professorial role and fall for it because honestly, I don’t understand the technology as well as you.
And next class, I’d like to only see you browsing Facebook as you ignore every word I say. Understood?
[Featured Image Credit: Mom Central]