30 Things Sexier Than PEOPLE Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

The votes have been tallied and this year’s title of Sexiest Man Alive has officially been given to heartthrob David Beckham.

I’m not one to knock it till I’ve tried it (and I’d certainly be willing to try this one), but I have to feel that the whole “sexiest thing alive” tradition is a little overwhelming. Who are you, PEOPLE Magazine, to tell me the sexiest man alive?

True, David Beckham is a global superstar, devoted husband, down-to-earth dad of four, AND he runs around Beverly Hills in his underwear, but does this really warrant him the sexiest man alive?

Sure, the man can smolder, and I bet he has one heck of a bicycle kick (I just had to consult the Google to find out what a bicycle kick even is). However, the intellectual side of me (what’s left of it) knows the difference between fact and opinion, and in my personal opinion, I know there are 30 things I can name off the top of my head much sexier than David Beckham.

Am I wrong?

1. Getting into bed at the end of a long day and wrapping the cold sheets around your toes.
2. Macaroni n’ cheese…WITH BACON BITS.
3. Shirtless Vlad feeding a horse.

4. The Old Spice guy (the suave and dapper one, not Terry Crews).
5. Your nerdy math tutor who doesn’t appear very attractive at first, but is actually insanely hot in the right lighting.
6. Pirating a movie online and not having to wait for it to buffer.
7. Abstract college lawn art (have you seen the curves on those things?).
8. And speaking of curves, check out the ones on that burrito from Chipotle.
9. Getting an A on your research paper analyzing The Odyssey.
10. Girls who pronounce precious in its entirety, rather than simply saying “presh.”
11. Payday.
12. The Phantom of the Opera (like, the actual phantom and not the play…though that’s pretty sexy too, just not sexier than Mr. Beckham).
13. Food babies.
14. When you walk past somebody attractive and make serious eye contact for two seconds, but then never talk again. EVER.
15. A full tank of gas.
16. That time you got arrested by an attractive police officer for being a hot mess in public at 3am (in hindsight, this may have been sexier for you than it was for her).
17. North West (the direction, not the child).
18. Women with pixie haircuts (I only say this because I am a woman with a pixie haircut).
19. A fully stocked fridge.
20. Quoting things Owen Wilson says in his movies.
21. Stage-5 clingers.
22. Any song by Adele that makes you think of your ex and tear up.
23. Tearaway pants.

24. Walking into a glass window you thought it was a door and then pretending nothing happened.
25. Artsy beers (can I get a pumpkin spice IPA please?)
26. Men who teach English and wear long sleeve shirts rolled up to their elbows.
27. Short walks on the beach.
28. Long walks to the refrigerator.
29. Barack Obama’s increasingly wrinkled face.
30. And a world void of terrorism.

[Featured Image Credit: PEOPLE]