Did you know that there exists a golden ratio in relationships? And no, the key to happy companionship is not 1.6180339887…
John Gottman, a professor of psychology and marriage stability, has been studying couples for over 20 years. He’s conducted research that looks at why couples divorce and even studied the fighting habits of couples. After a few decades of studying psychology, Gottman came up with some ground-breaking research that most of us already knew by age 17: all couples fight.
Okay, well now that we got over that hurdle, here’s what you can do about it.
If you’ve ever found yourself having a negative interaction with your partner, rest assured, you are not alone here. Anybody that goes into a relationship expecting butterflies and roses everyday isn’t living in reality. (If you’d like to live in fantasy world, might I suggest introducing you to Tinderella?)
In fact, couples fight so frequently, there have been studies done about how healthy it is for you to fight with your significant other, and most researchers say it is. As long as fighting is done in a respectful way, acknowledging your complaints without harsh criticism, fighting can be productive. However, if you want a truly happy relationship, you need to be doing something else when you aren’t fighting.
Happy couples should have a “golden ratio” of 5:1.
According to Gottman and his research team, a happy couple will have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative encounters. This means that for every time you say, “stop watching My Little Pony, get off your fat butt, and help me do the dishes,” you should have previously told them five times, “you make my heart swell to twice the size of a Jumbo plush pony.”
All couples fight, but not all couples love.
Think of every interaction with your partner as an investment. You deposit into the bank of love and look to cash out on a rainy day. So, when you’re constantly reminding your partner that they’re friendship is better than magic, you’re depositing into the bank.
Occasionally, a rainy day will come along and you’re going to have nothing to say to your partner but nasty words and complaints. On days like these, your relationship will feel stronger if you remember that you have all these positive interactions saved up in the love bank (not to be confused with the sperm bank, which is a savings account of a totally different kind).
Couples that have a large deposit of positive feelings work through fights better than couples that don’t because they have reassurance and confidence in themselves and each other. Keep this in mind next time you’re tempted to criticize your partner. And now I pose the question to you: what’s your ratio?
[Featured Image Credit: JKL Professional Counseling]