It’s 1:45 in the morning. You’re tipsily stumbling home with friends and then you see it. It’s your favorite drunk pizza place, and you totally forgot it was there.
“Guys,” you exclaim with the innocence of a small child, “we must go!” You savor that pizza like it’s both your first slice ever, as well as your last. You absorb its zesty flavor and slurp the flavorful sauce. And then, before you even realize it, it’s all gone. How could it have disappeared so quickly? There was so much. Did somebody eat it when I wasn’t looking? Did I eat it when I wasn’t looking. Oh no, now you’re coping with the loss of your pizza. It’s okay, there are ways to get through this. Follow my lead:
Denial
You know you didn’t scarf down that entire slice in thirteen seconds. Surely, somebody snagged a bite or two when you turned your head to tell Stacey that she has confetti in her hair. How can it be all gone. That slice was one of the biggest in this city. You don’t remember eating the whole thing and you certainly don’t feel full.
Anger
“Seriously, Josh this isn’t funny! I knew you ate my pizza when I was talking to Stacey and I know that’s why you have that smug look on your face. You can’t be laughing at my ridiculous drunken attitude. I know what you’re really getting at. You ate the rest of my slice. Although, now that I think about it, you have three of your own…”
Bargaining
Okay, well maybe you did eat the whole thing. At this point you’re starting to realize it’s possible you were wrong. That’s okay mistakes happen. Of course, at this point we’re already a long way from the pizza place and nobody wants to turn around. You really want to go back for another slice though. You’ll buy everybody a round of pizza if they come with you. Please, you just need one more slice.
Depression
You begin to realize you aren’t getting another slice of pizza tonight. You’ll probably never get another slice of pizza again. You still have the munchies and there isn’t anything at home in the fridge except moldy Chinese food (hmm…how bad can that moldy Chinese food really be?). You settle on going to bed with an unsatisfied stomach and sulk the rest of the way home.
Acceptance
But wait, now you’re home and life isn’t actually that bad. You’ve begun to sober up just a little and you realize maybe that extra 2am slice wasn’t the best choice. You also remember that your bed is footsteps away from you and you can float into it fully dressed and blissfully unaware of the hangover and heartburn that await you in the morning.
[Featured Image Credit:Toni Birrer]