Meow meow meow meow meoooow! Are any humans looking over your shoulder?
I’m assured no bipedal creatures have uncovered what I am trying to convey to you my fellow feline friends. God forbid the dog get his hands on this. He’s too dumb to read, but he’s certainly loyal enough to turn it over to his human master. For those of you who are new to the cat society, I’d just like to take a minute to go over the handbook of the unwritten (well, not anymore) rules of cat behavior. If in doubt, always refer to this handbook.
Rule #1: Use hairballs for artistic expression.
You’re human probably decorates his or her home with nice, expensive sofas and rugs. When you have the urge to cough up a hairball, run quickly to the most expensive (preferably cloth-covered) surface in the house. If you can’t find a couch, a rug will suffice. Whatever happens, avoid hacking up your hairball on any wooden or marble floors. The humans enjoy scraping your vomit out of their fabrics and will appreciate your artistic flair.
Rule #2: Establish dominance
When your human has to go to the bathroom, make sure you follow them in. If they live alone and are comfortable with their surroundings, they probably won’t close the bathroom door all the way. Use this opportunity to sit and stare them down while they are in their most uncomfortable state. If they try to shoo you away, rub up against their leg. Whatever you do, remain in the bathroom until they are finished. It reassures your position over them.
Rule #3: Play hard to get
Humans love it when you keep them on the edge. First you have to caress their hand affectionately, and once you’ve lured them into a false sense of security and gotten them to rub your ears, turn around and swat at or bite the hand that feeds you. It’s okay, the hand will not stop feeding you. After you’ve sunk your teeth in deep enough to draw blood, caress the hand again and beg for affection. This teaches your human that you are in control, not vice versa.
Rule #4: Teach your human about the importance of play
While your human may want to play with you at times that are convenient for them, refuse during these hours. Instead, wait until your person has settled into a state of work, begun taking care of bills, or is simply trying to watch Netflix, and then situate yourself directly on the keyboard. If your human happens to be using a pen and paper, attack the pen and try to shred the paper. This teaches your person the value of play. After all, too much work can lead to anxiety and aggression.
Rule #5: Early to bed, early to rise
You know the importance of sleep (after all, you sleep 16 hours a day). Make sure you get plenty of rest during daylight hours, especially when your human is at school or work. Spend your afternoon sunning yourself in the bedroom so you’ll be ready to play during the peak hours of 2-5am. Make sure during those peak hours you tiptoe across your human’s dresser and night table, knocking things over and breaking anything fragile. (Bonus: if your human has a piano, it is vital that you run across the keys at 4am and give your human a heart attack).
This is the complete list of the secret cat handbook. Refer to it whenever necessary and share it with no one. We trust you will succeed. And whatever happens, do not let those humans over at Life Daily get their hands on this handbook. They’ll probably do something stupid, like post it online so all their silly human friends can chuckle at us superior felines.
[Featured Image Credit: Takashi Hososhima via Flickr]