Alcohol: the cause (and solution) of all of life’s problems.
A night out at a bar with friends is a staple of youth. You have a few drinks, share some good laughs, dance outrageously, throw up in the bathroom, and then are asked to leave because sleeping on the bar is not allowed. Somewhere in the process, you text your ex and cry on a stranger’s shoulder (it’s possible I’ve been doing it wrong all these years).
Regardless, there are quite a few rules to maintaining decency in a crowded bar, so we thought we’d help you out and let you know the correct way to handle your biz when you’re dealing with the drinking biz.
- It’s a crowded bar, not center ring at WWE. If somebody bumps into you, assume it was an accident, keep calm, and carry on.
- If you’re going to be a regular at a bar, make sure you’re a regular at more than one.
- Don’t complain about how, “this one beer costs as much as a whole six pack.” You’re paying for the atmosphere too, bro. If you don’t want to pay for overpriced beer, there’s nothing stopping you from getting a six pack from 7/11 (but bear in mind, you won’t meet any girls at 7/11 either).
- Always over-tip. If you’re a regular, definitely over-tip. Even if you aren’t, still over-tip. Chance are that one extra dollar will make no difference to you personally, but one good deed can have a pretty far reach. Initiate good tip karma.
- If you’re having more than one drink, start a tab. You’re creating extra work for the bartender by paying with cash each time, not to mention you’re creating more work for yourself (and you’ll end up spending less with a tab).
- Don’t get beer drunk when you’re trying to talk to girls. If you’re running to the bathroom constantly, it’ll give her the opportunity to strike up conversation with somebody else.
- Never remove your suit jacket. If you happen to go out for drinks after work, keep the jacket on, or at least the tie. Do you think Don Draper loosens his tie every time he has a drink
![Photo Credit: AMC]()
- Photo Credit: AMC
- Drink where your wallet is comfortable. Most restaurants and a lot of bars won’t list the price of drinks on a menu. If you can’t afford pricey beverages, maybe you’re not at that phase of life yet. Relish in the dive bars. You’ll be happier and have more fun if you aren’t as worried about money.
- Do NOT snap, yell, whistle, or wave money at the bartender. They see you, they’re just busy.
- If you want to buy a lady a drink, you’re going to have to talk to her. If the bartender has to say, “this is from the guy who didn’t have the balls to approach you,” you’ve got no chance.
- Don’t argue about a tab. If you’re arguing, it’s probably because it’s over a material amount of money. And that means you’re probably not sober enough to argue.
- Never bum a cigarette from the same person more than once. Likewise, don’t get caught making rounds and bumming cigarettes from everybody in the group.
- Unless you’re on the beach, skip the piña coladas, or anything else that takes the bartender 5 minutes to make on a busy night.
- Shots generally only serve one purpose–to speed up the effects of alcohol. There’s a time and a place, and that time and place comes around less frequently after the age of 30.
- Always know what you are going to order ahead of time. Have a go-to drink in your repertoire. An old fashioned, vodka martini, a Budweiser, or even just a house chard. Sit down, take a sip, relax, and then figure out what you really want to drink.
- If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
- If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
- The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
- Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
- Know how to handle your alcohol gracefully. Getting down on all fours and pressing your forehead to the floor does not count as handling your liquor gracefully.
[Featured Image Credit: Quinn Dombrowski via Flickr]